Jan Prince, SelfWorks

NLP and the Enneagram

Our personal and professional relationships are challenging even at their best.  At their worst they can be the most stressful factors in our lives.   Having a visual tool to help clients understand the differences in style that cause relationship dilemmas has proven profoundly useful.  Together my clients and I use the Enneagram as a map to explore their relationship styles, the styles of those with whom they interact, and the differences in perspective and motivation that can explain problems and frustrations.  With this insight I then help them with NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP) techniques with which they can successfully traverse the terrain we uncover.

The Enneagram is a personality profile that defines nine major human motivations, the world-views that result from them, and the behavior patterns that accompany those paradigms.  It helps me and my clients to quickly identify the origins of feelings, thinking processes and behaviors – their own, as well as those of the people with whom they interact -- and to see both perspectives from an objective vantage point.  Some think personality profiles encourage us to think of people in one-dimensional, rigid ways.  I find, however, that when used thoughtfully, the Enneagram helps me understand my clients’ styles so that I can assist them rapidly and efficiently.

Although complex, the Enneagram is remarkably accessible.  You can start with your basic type which explains your core motivation, and then build on that foundation to develop a deeper understanding of how that type might feel and behave when stressed.  The interpretational model I use, which was developed by Don Riso and Russ Hudson, also maps out the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that indicate growth, as well as those that indicate movement away from healthy balance. 

One example of work combining the Enneagram and NLP involves “Brenda,” a client who came to me with marriage problems serious enough to cause anxiety attacks.  Her husband Mike, angry at her mother’s interference with the way they raised the children, and criticism of the way they spent their money and interacted with the rest of the family, was refusing to spend time with her parents anymore.  Brenda’s mother complained that he was being aloof and insinuated that he might be considering leaving Brenda.   

In order to please her mother, Brenda implored Mike to spend time with her family.  He did resume attending the traditional Sunday family dinners, but was openly hostile to her mother.  The more Brenda tried to mediate the dispute, the more withdrawn and irritable Mike became.  Their marriage was suffering, as was Brenda’s health.  The anxiety drove her to call me and make an appointment.

I invited Brenda to take the Enneagram profile test available on-line, and to bring the results in to share with me.   Her highest score suggested she was type Nine – the Peacemaker, and her second highest score pointed to type Six – the Loyalist.  The major beliefs and motivators of these two types are:  9 – “if I can keep the peace around me I will be OK” (being at peace and connected), and 6 – “If I do what is expected of me I will be OK”-(feeling supported and approved of).  She recognized that these had been her motivators since she was a child.  Her mother (an 8 or Challenger – one who fears being out of control) had always demanded agreement, and her father (another peace-loving 9) kept the peace by keeping quiet.  Brenda strongly identified with the beliefs and behaviors of a 9 and a 6, and the Enneagram map enabled her to examine them objectively without blaming herself and without feeling criticized by me. She could see they were just the normal “operating modes” of her two highest-scoring styles, and at the same time, understand how and why they were working to her detriment.

The processes illuminated by the Enneagram also indicate the direction of growth.  I pointed out that for the Peacemaker (9), being in touch with one’s own needs, desires and thoughts and standing up for them in spite of what others think, was the direction that would take her to the higher growth levels in that type.  The growth path for the Loyalist (6) is to discover and rely on her own inner guidance, to find security and support within her own strength and wisdom.  Brenda could see the truth in that.

Using the NLP Core Transformation Process we were able to access Brenda’s highest motivations and apply them to her situation.  With the Enneagram as our guide to suggest healthy beliefs and behaviors, we used NLP’s Belief Change process and the “New Behavior Generator” to help her step into a new way of being, and create more appropriate ways of interacting with her mother and with Mike.

Soon Brenda was listening to her own inner guidance, standing up to her mother, developing strong boundaries to protect herself, and supporting Mike’s attempts to protect himself. When Brenda stopped responding to her mother’s complaints and focused on the things they mutually enjoyed, the complaints stopped.  Her relationship with Mike was strengthened and they began to enjoy each other again.

The Enneagram gave me and my client a clear direction and guidelines to track our progress, helped her to feel understood, gave her the means to normalize and understand the behaviors of everyone involved, and provided direction for future growth.

There are several “schools of thought” regarding the Enneagram and its use.  If you would like to explore it further, I have listed a number of books that represent the different approaches on the subject.  I have also included a link to Riso and Hudson’s Enneagram website where you can take the personality profile test.

WISDOM OF THE ENNEAGRAM  by Riso and Hudson

THE ENNEAGRAM   by Helen Palmer

THE SPIRITUAL DIMENSION OF THE ENNEAGRAM  by Sandra Maitri

THE ESSENTIAL ENNEAGRAM  by Daniels and Price

THE ENNEAGRAM MADE EASY by Baron & Wagele

MY BEST SELF by Hurley & Dobson

ENNEA-TYPE STRUCTURES   by Claudio Naranjo

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

Take the full RHETI Test ($10).   The free “RHETI sampler” test is too abbreviated to provide a definitive, reliable profile. 

For NLP Resources:   www.nlpco.com

Avoiding Workplace Gossip

Workplace Gossip or Important Feedback?

3-8-07

I just had a conversation with an executive who is approaching his first three months with a well-known financial firm.  His top level boss has invited him to lunch to discuss his opinions about the structure, processes and people in the organization.

He is concerned about the performance of a few his direct reports and colleagues but doesn’t want to appear to be critical or to be gossiping.   However, he does want to use the opportunity to make some changes if he can.  I told him about a bumper sticker I saw the other day that is, I think, a Buddhist principle.

Before you do something, ask yourself

Is it necessary, useful and kind?

I’ve thought a lot about that bumper sticker’s message and how it can be interpreted and applied.  My client’s situation certainly called for the message’s wisdom.

Is it Necessary?

The dictionary describes “necessary” as something unavoidable, inevitable and/or required.

Some of the questions I discussed with my client were: 

• Is it required that action must be taken? 
• Will the substandard performance be discovered one way or another, even if he doesn’t address it? 
• Will the evidence will be unavoidable at some point; and the consequences grow to be more negative if he doesn’t take action as soon as possible?
• It is necessary that he share the information so it can be rectified?

Is it Useful?

• Will the facts that are relayed make a positive impact on the organization?
• Will it make it possible for things to improve?
• Is the information specific enough to direct corrective action?

• What do you hope to accomplish by doing this?

·                    Clue: If the answer is to make myself look good or important – don’t do it.   If it is to make improvements, then do it.

• Is this just complaining, or a way to justify your own performance or position?

Is it Kind:   

In the dictionary, to be kind is to be “tenderhearted,” or “coming from the heart.

If we were dealing with friends and family, I would ask, “Is it a loving thing to do – loving toward me and loving for their sake.  That doesn’t mean wimpy; sometimes it is loving to set boundaries or to refuse to let negative behavior to continue.

In a business setting, I ask: 

• Will the people involved have an opportunity to correct their behavior and to learn from it? 
• Are you sharing this in a way that benefits them, you and the organization?
• Can you relate the information in a considerate way?

The restaurant booth principle

A colleague of mine shared a story years ago that I have never forgotten and use as a guide when talking of others.   I call it the restaurant booth principle.

A waitress seated my colleague and her husband in a booth in their favorite Italian restaurant.   Several people, who could not see them over the tall backs of the booth had finished eating and were chatting.

Their conversation was loud enough to be heard, and surprisingly, they were gossiping about my friend in an unkind way.  After listening a while, she calmly got up, walked around to their side of the booth and said:   “Hello, I just thought I’d save you further embarrassment when you pass our table to leave.   I can hear every word you are saying about me.”   The group was appalled and apologized profusely. 

I try to remember that story when talking about others; I pretend as if they were within earshot right behind me.   Would I say what I was about to say anyway?

If the answer is yes, I go ahead.   If not, I ask myself,” What I am trying to accomplish by saying was I was about to say?”  It has helped me keep my possible faux pas’ in check.

Framing the information:

Express why you are sharing the critical information:

“I am telling you this so that we don’t miss the opportunity to serve our new client efficiently and with good service.  I am concerned that our people don’t have the skills or resources necessary to do a good job and I want the opportunity to brainstorm about how we can correct it.”

Be specific about the concerns.   

Wrong:   Joe just isn’t up to the job.

Right:  Joe has been weeks late in delivering the quotes we promised our client. 

            

Offer possible solutions:

I think we should find out why he hasn’t made it on time, and either get the resources he needs or see if someone else can do a better job.

Never Triangulate:

When you have a problem with an employee or a coworker that can be worked out directly rather than going to someone with more authority, then do go directly to them.   Use the same principles outlined above:  Ask first: is it necessary, useful and kind?

If you need coaching on delivering bad news or negotiating with a colleague, feel free to call for a consultation.

Conflict Resolution: Beyond Reason

Whether it’s been helping a client negotiate between the part of them that wants to move ahead and the part that wants things to stay the same, or helping a couple negotiate how to balance childrearing and romance, or mediating a corporate meeting, I’ve been conducting and teaching negotiation processes for over two decades.

Two of my foundational mainstays have been the classic book:  Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher and William Ury, and the NLP process of 6 Step Reframe.  These days I find myself using and referring people to Roger Fisher’s new book:   Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate.

I don’t know about you, but I really hesitate to buy a book anymore--book shelves cover every wall in my house and office and are overflowing, but to me, this book has so many “ah, ha’s” in it, it is worth buying, studying and rereading often. 

Its major point is that when logic and reason aren’t working it is probably because one or more core concerns we all share have been violated.  These 5 core concerns are:

Our need for Appreciation:

            To feel understood, valued and heard

Need for Affiliation :

            Feeling connected either through common membership, or through personal experience with another

Need for Autonomy:

            Having a say in what decisions are being made that impact us.

Need for Our Status to be recognized:

            Being recognized for our knowledge, experience, and achievement

Need for Our Role to be clear and appropriate

            Being able to perform our “job” in a way that is honored, and empowering.

These principles struck a chord with me and I realized that the NLP process, the 6 Step Reframe, addressed those principles in its approach.

The steps in the Reframe are:

1.         Identifying the issue or problem

2.         Finding the positive intention behind each side of the issue

3.         Appreciating that intention and building Affiliation between the different aspects of it by appealing to their common intentions,

4.         Creating ways to satisfy those common intentions;

5.         Giving all sides involved the Autonomy to pick solutions that will fulfill the intentions, and,

6.         The Status and Role to execute those solutions.

Fisher and Shapiro’s book give exercises and examples enough to give you guidance and practice in using the principles with others (Link to Amazon.com here0.

NLP’s 6 Step Reframe, taught in the NLP Practitioner training (Link NLPCo), gives you the ability to do this with your internal situations.

Whether we identify it as negotiation or not, we wend our way through personal or business obstacles every day.   Knowing how to consider the emotions and needs of ourselves and others makes all of our relationships much more rewarding.