Workplace Gossip or Important Feedback?
3-8-07
I just had a conversation with an executive who is approaching his first three months with a well-known financial firm. His top level boss has invited him to lunch to discuss his opinions about the structure, processes and people in the organization.
He is concerned about the performance of a few his direct reports and colleagues but doesn’t want to appear to be critical or to be gossiping. However, he does want to use the opportunity to make some changes if he can. I told him about a bumper sticker I saw the other day that is, I think, a Buddhist principle.
Before you do something, ask yourself
Is it necessary, useful and kind?
I’ve thought a lot about that bumper sticker’s message and how it can be interpreted and applied. My client’s situation certainly called for the message’s wisdom.
Is it Necessary?
The dictionary describes “necessary” as something unavoidable, inevitable and/or required.
Some of the questions I discussed with my client were:
- Is it required that action must be taken?
- Will the substandard performance be discovered one way or another, even if he doesn’t address it?
- Will the evidence will be unavoidable at some point; and the consequences grow to be more negative if he doesn’t take action as soon as possible?
- It is necessary that he share the information so it can be rectified?
Is it Useful?
- Will the facts that are relayed make a positive impact on the organization?
- Will it make it possible for things to improve?
- Is the information specific enough to direct corrective action?
- What do you hope to accomplish by doing this?
· Clue: If the answer is to make myself look good or important – don’t do it. If it is to make improvements, then do it.
- Is this just complaining, or a way to justify your own performance or position?
Is it Kind:
In the dictionary, to be kind is to be “tenderhearted,” or “coming from the heart.
If we were dealing with friends and family, I would ask, “Is it a loving thing to do – loving toward me and loving for their sake. That doesn’t mean wimpy; sometimes it is loving to set boundaries or to refuse to let negative behavior to continue.
In a business setting, I ask:
- Will the people involved have an opportunity to correct their behavior and to learn from it?
- Are you sharing this in a way that benefits them, you and the organization?
- Can you relate the information in a considerate way?
The restaurant booth principle
A colleague of mine shared a story years ago that I have never forgotten and use as a guide when talking of others. I call it the restaurant booth principle.
A waitress seated my colleague and her husband in a booth in their favorite Italian restaurant. Several people, who could not see them over the tall backs of the booth had finished eating and were chatting.
Their conversation was loud enough to be heard, and surprisingly, they were gossiping about my friend in an unkind way. After listening a while, she calmly got up, walked around to their side of the booth and said: “Hello, I just thought I’d save you further embarrassment when you pass our table to leave. I can hear every word you are saying about me.” The group was appalled and apologized profusely.
I try to remember that story when talking about others; I pretend as if they were within earshot right behind me. Would I say what I was about to say anyway?
If the answer is yes, I go ahead. If not, I ask myself,” What I am trying to accomplish by saying was I was about to say?” It has helped me keep my possible faux pas’ in check.
Framing the information:
Express why you are sharing the critical information:
“I am telling you this so that we don’t miss the opportunity to serve our new client efficiently and with good service. I am concerned that our people don’t have the skills or resources necessary to do a good job and I want the opportunity to brainstorm about how we can correct it.”
Be specific about the concerns.
Wrong: Joe just isn’t up to the job.
Right: Joe has been weeks late in delivering the quotes we promised our client.
Offer possible solutions:
I think we should find out why he hasn’t made it on time, and either get the resources he needs or see if someone else can do a better job.
Never Triangulate:
When you have a problem with an employee or a coworker that can be worked out directly rather than going to someone with more authority, then do go directly to them. Use the same principles outlined above: Ask first: is it necessary, useful and kind?
If you need coaching on delivering bad news or negotiating with a colleague, feel free to call for a consultation.
